Following the diagnosis of mitral valve failure in the left side of my heart, the need for open heart surgery to replace it and a triple bypass procedure while they are in there, I am now lined up to enter St Vincent’s Private Hospital to go under the knife in early May with my trusted cardiothoracic surgeon, Dr Alastair Watson, cracking the chest cavity open. No robots, no chance of minimally invasive keyhole surgery, it will be the Celebration of the Pig as a porcine replacement is fitted into place.
The procedure is set for about four hours during which a heart/lung machine will keep the vital juices flowing throughout the body while the Doc chops, changes, stitches and closes the cavity. Then a month long recovery and back home to the bird and my housesitter. So I thought, “How can I spice this up and maybe monetise it?” The answer was simple! Livestream the procedure in real time with an iPhone or Go Pro camera mounted above the operating table. It’s a relatively simple setup to mount and power it with no need to edit or control.
Yes, I would be selling Pay Per View tickets for the dramatic deed and streaming it live from the PhilTripp.com website in real time. I’ve looked into some ancillary revenue streams besides virtual ringside seats and have been talking to Ladbrokes (our biggest bookie) about taking bets on my survival, the odds of which may be altered by procedural means. If I survive, there is no sequel or second season but in the case that I don’t, those who have subscribed get a free ticket to the livestreaming of my hollow Tiki Head filled with ashes a couple of weeks later being hurled from a helicopter into the bubbling lava of Kilauea Crater on the Big Island of Hawaii.
The sponsorship opportunities are limitless. My private insurer Medibank would get the leaderboard throughout the operation. Little medical pop-up ads could be routinely positined from cardiac drug companie, life insurance companies and the ubiquitous funeral insurance industry. Of course there would be an official gin since a bottle of it would accompany the Head into the caldera, attached as a gift to and in honour of Pele, The Fire Goddess.
She would probably prefer a Tanqueray No. Ten or Bombay Sapphire
But my choice would have been an Ocean Vodka from the island of Maui, a drop I drink frozen from time to time.
And the bottle of tribute booze would fly tied to this
Of course there would be room for strip ads for my team of doctors–GP, Cardiologist, Kidney & Blood Pressure, Endocrinologist, Surgeon–and allied services like the hospital itself. Then there is the brand of motorised wheelchair (Maverick 10) I will be using to get around the house during recovery, my elevator company, the Toto Bidet brand, nutritional supplements and maybe even some THC and CBD brands for wellness and pain relief.
The hardest part of the whole thing though would be securing the rights from artists, record companies, songwriters and publishers for the “Music To Watch Medical Miracles” go by. A wild dream and a cunning concept but alas, when all is said and done, it will get down to my recovery rather than a media hoax.
Happy April Fools Day!